If you’re like us, you try your best to eat healthy, but it isn’t always easy. With so many frozen pizza styles to choose from, how are you supposed to know which one is right for you? The microwaveable kind, or the kind that goes in your toaster oven? The single-serving kind where it actually is a single serving, or the single-serving kind where are you serious you’re supposed to only eat one I’m heating up all four? Wouldn’t your life be easier if you knew which kinds of fruits and vegetables are actually proven to possibly fight heartburn, and which kinds don’t do squat?
We’ve put together a quick guide to help you navigate the treacherous aisles of your local Market Basket. You might be surprised at what some of your everyday eats really bring to the table.
Avocados:
Eating too much of this fatty, pear-shaped fruit will leave you pear-shaped yourself. Lots of people tell you that avocados are ‘nutrient-packed’ and full of ‘good fat’. Those people are what we like to call ‘packed with lies’ and full of ‘bullshit’. They’re just trying to make you fat, so they look good when they stand next to you. The next time someone serves you anything with avocado in it, look him or her in the eye, spit on your plate and push it away. They’ll get the message that you’re onto them.
Pomegranates:
These shiny red fruits (or are they vegetables? we can’t remember) pack a walloping eighty percent of your daily requirement of pretentiousness. Seriously—all of a sudden everything comes in Pomegranate flavor, from lip balm to dish detergent. Pomegranates are the new “It” fruit because they’re supposed to be full of antioxidants or something. You know what “antioxidant” actually means? “Good PR.”
Potatoes:
These are apparently the vegetables that chips come from. You can actually eat them before they are made into chips, but we don't know how. Wikipedia tells us that another name for them is ‘tubers’. We think that’s pretty funny. Say it! Tubers.
Beets:
You may have grown up thinking beets are gross, but take another look. Still gross? Yeah, they totally are. Forget beets.
Wood:
If you’re a fully-functioning adult, you are well aware that wood is inedible. Which is too bad, because just two ounces of white oak contains enough vitamin C to fulfill your daily requirement seven thousand times over. Too bad all those nutrients are completely inaccessible, right? Mother Nature, you cunt.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Free Movies
When Brian and I are feeling movie watchey lately, we try to find a very random free movie to watch (thank you, cable plan that offers free movies and is affordable when split between 4 people). We have done this twice and have thus far not been disappointed. The first movie we watched in this fashion was called "They Live". Directed by John Carpenter and starring Roddy Peeper (damn straight), it was thoughtful and engaging while still managing to be timefully 80s. The premise of the movie: Earth is gradually being taken over by skeletor-looking aliens who mask themselves as wealthy and powerful humans. You can only tell the alien from the human by looking at them through special (and hilariously dated) sunglasses. Looking through the sunglasses also reveals that every billboard, poster, newspaper and magazine in actuality has no content save the same few simple, subversive messages—“CONSUME”, “MARRY AND PROCREATE”, “STAY ASLEEP”. During the middle third of the movie, the ‘hero’ and his reluctant sidekick engage in a no-holds-barred alleyway brawl while the hero tries to get the sidekick to don the sunglasses. They beat each other brutally for over five full minutes, which felt like an hour. Every time one of them gets up and helps the other up and they start to laugh and you think they are going to stop fighting, one then sucker-punches the other. This kept happening until it was funny, and then stopped being funny, and then was funny again, and so on. Good free movie!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Shame is the New Pride!
(A Women's Magazine Satire)
It's not easy being a single woman in these troubled times. A crumbling economy means shoe prices are skyrocketing. With our country at war, the best and the brightest eligible bachelors have been shipped overseas for increasingly lengthened tours of duty—and most will return with crippling physical and emotional problems that will make them depressing to be around.
Recent studies have shown that a single woman past the age of twenty-seven has a better chance of finding a door in the back of her wardrobe that leads to a magical land of enchantment than she does finding a date for Saturday night.
The odds, in other words, are against us. So what's a girl to do? Desperate times call for desperate measures. But there's no rule saying you can't be desperate with flair. After all, desperation in three-inch red spike heels and fishnets looks hotter than desperation in sensible flats. In this spirit, we hope you enjoy these three simple rules designed to help you feel like it’s raining men, even as the dating pool continues to drain.
Rule # 1: Stop Kidding Yourself
So your Mother insists that you're a great catch? Your coworkers are always going on about how they can't believe you're still single? Snap out of it, sister. You're no prize. You're still single because you've got problems. Did you think it wasn't obvious to everyone that you let your roots grow out completely in the last three months? Your cuticles are a disgrace, your taste in music is questionable and there's dust on your houseplants. People notice these things, for heaven's sake. Remember that guy you turned down for a date because he was only a plumber and you thought you could do better? Think again. Do you see any other men lining up to snake your drain? Maybe you'd better pick up the phone. He could be your last chance. Of course, you're welcome to wait around for someone more deserving to come along, but don't come crying to me in ten years when your cat has a restraining order against you.
Rule # 2: No More"What Ifs"
We've all had that relationship that seemed perfect at the time, but somehow just didn't work out. Well, we're all fools. Stop biting your nails and watching Gilmore Girls reruns while wondering what it would have been like if you could have just tried a little harder with that special ex. Get out your little black book and call him up, right now. I'll wait here.
Why, maybe it was just bad timing the first go-around. Maybe he wasn't ready for commitment, or you had just gotten out of another relationship. Maybe you hated his family. Or he wanted you to get a boob job. Or you belittled his limited vocabulary one time too many. Maybe he kept knocking up stewardesses. Whatever minor quibble came between you, surely the passage of time has healed it by now?
Where love once grew, love can grow again, if you only open up your heart and make a few sniveling phone-calls. Don't forget that as an ex, he already knows that you have hideous morning breath and ugly toes! If he's even willing to give it another shot with someone like you, consider yourself lucky. Even if you find yourself in the exact same unhappy boat you were in before, you should cling to him for dear life. After all, you're older now, and it's scarier to be on your own. You don't want to worry about "what if" you find yourself dying and alone and have to dig your own sad little grave.
Rule # 3: Listen and Learn
This rule is very straightforward, and it can be boiled down to one simple phrase: Do what others say you should. Why bother learning to trust your own confusing instincts, when it’s so obvious to everyone around you what you’re doing wrong? Never underestimate the authority of family, friends, coworkers, and complete strangers when it comes to telling you how to dress, who to see, and what to do with your life. If I know you, you are deluged every day with well-meant words of wisdom that you do not heed. Thoughtful advice like, “you’d look better with blue eyeshadow”, and “maybe he wouldn’t cheat so much if you weren’t such a needy whiner”. You hear this advice, but you don’t listen, and it’s probably costing you valuable happiness.
In Closing:
Ladies, remember those heady days of your youth, when you struck out on your own, determined to make a name for yourself in the world and compromise nothing for your values? You were so funny back then. And you've learned quite a lot in the intervening years; the most important thing being that your values are meaningless if you can't even keep a man around to half-listen amusedly while you try to explain them to him. I hope these three simple rules will provide you with the support and guidance you clearly need in order to make it in tough times.
Always remember, there is no shame in being alone, as long as you are always and at every moment doing your best to claw your way into the arms of a man.
It's not easy being a single woman in these troubled times. A crumbling economy means shoe prices are skyrocketing. With our country at war, the best and the brightest eligible bachelors have been shipped overseas for increasingly lengthened tours of duty—and most will return with crippling physical and emotional problems that will make them depressing to be around.
Recent studies have shown that a single woman past the age of twenty-seven has a better chance of finding a door in the back of her wardrobe that leads to a magical land of enchantment than she does finding a date for Saturday night.
The odds, in other words, are against us. So what's a girl to do? Desperate times call for desperate measures. But there's no rule saying you can't be desperate with flair. After all, desperation in three-inch red spike heels and fishnets looks hotter than desperation in sensible flats. In this spirit, we hope you enjoy these three simple rules designed to help you feel like it’s raining men, even as the dating pool continues to drain.
Rule # 1: Stop Kidding Yourself
So your Mother insists that you're a great catch? Your coworkers are always going on about how they can't believe you're still single? Snap out of it, sister. You're no prize. You're still single because you've got problems. Did you think it wasn't obvious to everyone that you let your roots grow out completely in the last three months? Your cuticles are a disgrace, your taste in music is questionable and there's dust on your houseplants. People notice these things, for heaven's sake. Remember that guy you turned down for a date because he was only a plumber and you thought you could do better? Think again. Do you see any other men lining up to snake your drain? Maybe you'd better pick up the phone. He could be your last chance. Of course, you're welcome to wait around for someone more deserving to come along, but don't come crying to me in ten years when your cat has a restraining order against you.
Rule # 2: No More"What Ifs"
We've all had that relationship that seemed perfect at the time, but somehow just didn't work out. Well, we're all fools. Stop biting your nails and watching Gilmore Girls reruns while wondering what it would have been like if you could have just tried a little harder with that special ex. Get out your little black book and call him up, right now. I'll wait here.
Why, maybe it was just bad timing the first go-around. Maybe he wasn't ready for commitment, or you had just gotten out of another relationship. Maybe you hated his family. Or he wanted you to get a boob job. Or you belittled his limited vocabulary one time too many. Maybe he kept knocking up stewardesses. Whatever minor quibble came between you, surely the passage of time has healed it by now?
Where love once grew, love can grow again, if you only open up your heart and make a few sniveling phone-calls. Don't forget that as an ex, he already knows that you have hideous morning breath and ugly toes! If he's even willing to give it another shot with someone like you, consider yourself lucky. Even if you find yourself in the exact same unhappy boat you were in before, you should cling to him for dear life. After all, you're older now, and it's scarier to be on your own. You don't want to worry about "what if" you find yourself dying and alone and have to dig your own sad little grave.
Rule # 3: Listen and Learn
This rule is very straightforward, and it can be boiled down to one simple phrase: Do what others say you should. Why bother learning to trust your own confusing instincts, when it’s so obvious to everyone around you what you’re doing wrong? Never underestimate the authority of family, friends, coworkers, and complete strangers when it comes to telling you how to dress, who to see, and what to do with your life. If I know you, you are deluged every day with well-meant words of wisdom that you do not heed. Thoughtful advice like, “you’d look better with blue eyeshadow”, and “maybe he wouldn’t cheat so much if you weren’t such a needy whiner”. You hear this advice, but you don’t listen, and it’s probably costing you valuable happiness.
In Closing:
Ladies, remember those heady days of your youth, when you struck out on your own, determined to make a name for yourself in the world and compromise nothing for your values? You were so funny back then. And you've learned quite a lot in the intervening years; the most important thing being that your values are meaningless if you can't even keep a man around to half-listen amusedly while you try to explain them to him. I hope these three simple rules will provide you with the support and guidance you clearly need in order to make it in tough times.
Always remember, there is no shame in being alone, as long as you are always and at every moment doing your best to claw your way into the arms of a man.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Mail!
There is never a dull moment when I open the mail at work.
Well, all right. That's not true. There are mostly dull moments. But I am guaranteed that at least one or two pieces of mail a week will make me laugh. This is partly due to my low amusement threshold, and mostly due to the fact that weird stuff comes in the mail.
Monday we got a flyer from a company that sells urine and saliva drug testing equipment. They had little cups laid out on an attractive background and spoke glowingly of fast and reliable results. Mm!
Today I received a mailing from American Express offering us a business credit card. The mailing was addressed to "Menopause Society" at our company's street address.
For those of you who are not aware, I do NOT work for the Menopause Society, as disappointing as that might be. In fact, the name of my company could not ever remotely be mistaken for the Menopause Society, which, Google tells me, is actually located in Ohio and is called the North American Menopause Society, or NAMS.
Heehee. NAMS.
Well, all right. That's not true. There are mostly dull moments. But I am guaranteed that at least one or two pieces of mail a week will make me laugh. This is partly due to my low amusement threshold, and mostly due to the fact that weird stuff comes in the mail.
Monday we got a flyer from a company that sells urine and saliva drug testing equipment. They had little cups laid out on an attractive background and spoke glowingly of fast and reliable results. Mm!
Today I received a mailing from American Express offering us a business credit card. The mailing was addressed to "Menopause Society" at our company's street address.
For those of you who are not aware, I do NOT work for the Menopause Society, as disappointing as that might be. In fact, the name of my company could not ever remotely be mistaken for the Menopause Society, which, Google tells me, is actually located in Ohio and is called the North American Menopause Society, or NAMS.
Heehee. NAMS.
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