Molly Wrote a Children's Book

LET'S GO TO THE MOON!
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It’s time to pack your bags! You’re going on a trip to the moon!
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The temperature on the moon is negative seventy degrees. So make sure to pack warm socks, and a peanut butter sandwich.

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It takes many light years to reach the moon, so get comfortable! It’s a good thing you’re in a turbo-charged spaceship. If you were traveling to the moon by car, going eighty miles an hour, it would take a lot longer. If a baby were born the day you left, its great-great grandchildren would be dead before you got there. Bring some music to play during your trip.

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There is no food on the moon. There is no ice cream either. The longest a person can go without food is ten days. If they have water to drink, they can last for twenty days.

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There is no water on the moon, either.

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When you are in outer space, there is no gravity. You can float through the air. The food and liquid you brought aboard your spaceship can float as well!
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Be careful, and don’t bump your head on any sharp corners in your space cabin. If you bleed, your blood will float through the air in tiny red droplets. That might make you go crazy.

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In space, there is no one for millions of miles in any direction. Good thing you brought your Teddy Bear. I hope he likes you.

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You have landed on the moon! Be sure to take a picture out the window of your spaceship.

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Now that you are here, don’t go outside unless you are wearing a special Moonsuit. There is no oxygen in the moon’s atmosphere. If you leave your spaceship without a special Moonsuit, the atmospheric pressure will shrivel you until you look like a dried-up matchstick.

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So zip up your moonsuit, and put your helmet on tight!

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Step down from your ship. You are on the surface of the moon! Have a good look around. The night sky is beautiful.

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You can see planet Earth, a billion miles away. Did you tell your Mommy where you were going? Maybe it’s time to head back. She’s probably very worried.

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On the long ride home, think about all the fun you had on your trip to the moon! Remember how small your home planet looked from such a distance? Nothing really matters anymore, now that you have been so far from home.

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Nobody on Earth will really understand what you mean by that. It will make you feel like you are all alone in space again.

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You think you have left the moon, but you can never really leave it. It will always be with you.

THE END.

Things I Should Have Kept to Myself, Part I

Last night I had Cream of Wheat (remember Cream of Wheat?!? I did, when I got to the grocery store and shopped while starving), and 1/4 of a pomegranate for dinner.

Mmmmm, weird.

Oh, and a beer. So that I would also have something from the Hop food group. What? It's a food group, if I remember correctly from that science class I took in college...or was that a party I went to in college? Either way.

Then Brian and I made the dog help put the laundry away. I would fold a towel, and put it on his back, and he would walk across the room to Brian, who would take the towel, put it away, pat Charlie and send him back to me.

I think I am almost ready to be a parent, guys. This is so exciting.

Molly Gives Thanks, Takes Leftovers.

I think my roommate Laura may be right in thinking that Thanksgiving is the best all-around holiday. It's not confined to any specific religion, and it's not as stressful as holidays which require any kind of gift giving or country loving. I'll admit I do know a few vegetarians who aren't particularly enthusiastic about the whole deal, and it certainly leaves human/turkey relations at an annual low. But unless you're in the first grade and are forced to make hand turkeys, or put on guilt-absolving pageants where you dress (with as much style and realism as construction paper affords) as Pilgrims and Native Americans who link arms and present each other with dried ears of corn, Thanksgiving has by this point been boiled down to its most basic and delicious element: Eating yourself into a Goddamn Food Coma and then Passing Out on the Couch. The day itself revolves around dinner; its preparation, presentation, and consummation. Traditional recipes are resurrected, winced at, and then dutifully followed, resulting in such all-time family favorites as yams covered in marshmallows, and green beans topped with crunchy onions. (I never said I came from a background of class, just innovation.)

You're home for just long enough to get a taste of your family without having to settle into a spirit-crushing, role-reassuming routine with them. Hell, you may even enjoy a round or two of Scrabble with the relatives without anyone screaming, knocking the board over, or getting cut out of The Will. This is partly due to the fact that for perhaps ninety percent of the time you spend with your loved ones over Thanksgiving weekend, either everyone's mouth is full, or a Cuisenart or some other kitchen appliance is working full blast, both of which prevent awkward questions like, "So, do you have a real job yet?" and "You still seeing that Bozo?" Tensions are also reduced by the fact that your visit lasts three or four days at the most before you get to leave again, with an extra bag full of leftovers and your coat pockets full of hot rolls if you're lucky, or sneaky.

All right. I've got to mention that at the moment, I'm so full of food, I don't really know what I'm saying. I don't even know where I am. I do know that I'm going to try and keep writing, either until I reach my goal of 500 words, or my stomach bloats past the length of my outstretched arms and I can no longer reach the keyboard. Whichever comes first.

Having just moved to Honolulu the month before, I spent last Thanksgiving visiting a friend of mine at a hippie commune on Maui. We hung out on a black sand beach, hacked through the dense undergrowth with machetes, picked and ate fruit I'd never heard of right off the trees, and a local introduced himself to me while I was using an outdoor shower. It was a pretty hard Thanksgiving to top.

But fortunately, this Thanksgiving, I had cable. And when the blood from the rest of your entire body surges to your stomach, VH1's Top Fifty Most Awesomely Bad Something-or-Others is a comforting evening companion. That and a reheated piece of pumpkin pie, maybe with a little ice cream on the side.

Molly Gets Taken for a Walk

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I much was enjoying taking Brian's dog, Charlie, for evening walks through the neighborhood. He usually gets his exercise by running around in the woods that border our backyard, so I think he was happy to have the company. As a matter of fact, he grew to like our walks. A lot, in a very short time. It's to the point where now I can't stop taking him. Meanwhile, the weather worsens, and it gets darker earlier each evening.

Now, when I get home, Charlie greets me at the door, and then sits down expectantly in front of me, waiting for me to hook his leash to his collar and get to the walk. "He never does that to you!" I said to Brian. "When you get home, you get a cheerful ‘howdy’ and that's it. You get to take your coat off, and sort through the mail, without a dog dancing in circles around your legs." "You don't see me taking him for walks all the time," Brian replied, and gave me a look. "Sucker," it said. I realized then what I had gotten myself into.

I've tried to get out of our walks. At first I figured it wouldn't be that difficult to blow Charlie off until he forgot all about them. And if that took awhile, so what? He's a dog! How much emotional manipulation is he really capable of? The answer is, apparently more than I am. Case in point: I am unable to get Brian to go on these walks with us. I whine, I beg, I paw at him; he shrugs and continues watching “Mythbusters”. And still the dog makes me go, into the dark and cold, night after night.

At this point, on my way home from work each evening, I whimper to myself about how tired I am, and how cold it is outside, and how I'm not going to want to leave the house once I get there. No walk today, I think, as I trudge up the hill to the house. I just can’t do it. I don’t have it in me. And then I open the front door, Charlie rushes over, and gives me the greet, and the sit, and…I grab the leash. Sucker.

But really, how can I say no? Somehow, it feels like saying 'no' to a walk would be like giving a child a Playstation 3 box for his birthday, and inside the box is a toaster. It would be like giving a teenager a set of keys and telling him they’re for his new Audi that’s parked outside, and when he gets outside they’re actually the keys to his grandma’s car because –guess what!— she’s visiting for the weekend, and she's staying in his room. Not taking Charlie for his walk just feels mean. Especially because all I have to do is wear a coat and shuffle around the neighborhood, but when I put that coat on and reach for his leash you’d think I was reaching for a strip steak with a winning lottery ticket sticking out of it, sitting on a pile of illegal fireworks.

So I guess that’s how he gets me, by making the emotional reward for taking him on a walk so much greater than the minimal physical effort the walk actually takes. And, because I’m a sucker.

My First Rejection Letter

Dear Ms. Schoemann,

First of all, I would like to thank you for your patronage of Cooking Monthly, America's leading resource for culinary information and advice. We truly appreciate your interest in our publication, and your obvious devotion to our goal of keeping the kitchen fun and lively.

As you well know, each issue of Cooking Monthly includes a feature known as “Kitchen Quick Tips”—ideas and suggestions for how to improve cooking methods and procedures, which are selected from reader submissions. The editing staff here at Cooking Monthly carefully reviews and considers each submission. That said, we would like to respectfully request that you cease sending us your "Quick Tips". We appreciate your enthusiasm in this pursuit, but as of this month, none of your seventeen submissions have been remotely viable. A few have the potential to be deadly.

Your observation that ‘microwaving silverware and cutlery helps give your guests a warm and cozy impression during a cold winter meal’ made us wonder how you are still alive. We were surprised that you continued to send us tips after that.

Moreover, our staff can in no way endorse your suggestion to ‘pour breakfast cereal into a thermos and add the milk the night before. When you grab it in the morning, give it several firm shakes, and you’ve got a delicious breakfast beverage.’ Frankly, that idea made one of our editors ill.

While your discovery that a pint of Jack Daniels can be hidden in an oven mitt was certainly inventive, we failed to see how it was a useful cooking tip.

Furthermore, I would like to add that if any members of the Cooking Monthly staff ever attended a dinner party at which the table centerpiece was a roll of paper towels stood on end, wearing a baseball cap, we would leave immediately.

Granted, your ideas and suggestions did cause a stir among our writing staff, and did not go completely unappreciated, in a way. However, enough is enough. Please keep future tips to yourself—or, better yet, submit them to your local precinct. They would be well advised to keep an eye you.

Sincerely,

Harold Blige, Senior Editor
Cooking Monthly

Molly Schoemann Loves Orange Juice

I don't know at what point I stopped listening to the television and started hollering at it. By now, my roommates are used to my outbursts, and to the fact that I seem personally offended by every commercial for a product that promises me shiny hair or tells me that iced tea is the beverage of people who care about life.

"Oh, so drinking beer makes me sexy? Huh? Drinking beer gave me this gut. I'm shaped like a keg now, thanks to beer. Is that sexy? IS IT?"

Sometimes I'll even leap to my feet, although it's usually on my way to the fridge to get another beer. While I hate most commercials, I won't deny their effectiveness.

I would like to think that my hypersensitive awareness of the insidious evils of advertising has made me a more intelligent consumer, but mostly it has just made me more annoying to watch television with. Last week my boyfriend complained that even when he is watching tv alone, he hears my shrill commentary in his head. "So all I really needed in order to find inner peace was vanilla-scented deodorizing spray! Who knew?" he'll hear me snarl as he watches, even when I'm across town at the time.

I am particularly fond of spelling out the implied messages in advertising, and stating them with withering oversimplification. "If I buy that car, attractive women will give me coolly appraising glances when we are both stopped at a red light. Then we will drag race in the Alps. Oh, and I should be wearing 'breathable' contact lenses, because at some point, my eyes have apparently started breathing. Also, I should only use toilet paper that has been approved by cartoon grizzly bears that don't wear pants. Gross."

I'm certainly not immune to the power of suggestion, and sometimes that is fine. Watching someone on tv pour a tall frosty glass of orange juice occasionally makes me think, "Mmm, orange juice", and I can handle that. I'm happy to think about orange juice any time anyone wants to bring it up. It's delicious. However, things I don't want to think about most of the time include but are not limited to: super-absorbent paper towels, erectile dysfunction, heartburn, older couples who have overcome erectile dysfunction and heartburn, David Caruso, itchy, flaky skin, and Mimes. (I don't see a lot of mime-related advertising, and frankly I'd like to keep it that way.)

Perhaps this is what really bothers me. When you watch a show on television, you are choosing to be engaged by that show. It is probably a specific kind of show; hopefully not one that stars David Caruso or mimes. (I jest. I am in fact obsessed with David Caruso. David, if you're reading this, email me.) In any event, while you get to choose the show you watch, advertisers get to choose the commercials you watch, and you have no choice but to give your attention to their topic of choice—unless you go instead to the fridge for orange juice, or mute the television. It is this lack of choice; this forcing you to dwell suddenly on acne medication or low-fat peanut butter, that I resent, and this is why I make trouble.

I would like to add that despite my skepticism and aversion, when a commercial actually manages to be entertaining, without being patronizing or smug, I'll give it credit. I have been known occasionally to laugh out loud, and even offer a grudging, "Ok, that was funny." So I'd like to think that I'm a tough but fair audience. Just don't tell me that I should be giving more thought to whether or not my toothpaste kills all the germs.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled posts to bring you this nonsense.

Dammit

'Fun-size' candy bars
Thanks to you I have become
A much less fun size